Journal Entries for Michelle Diane Rose
Updates
January 9th, 2008 2:10 pm MST
Well, it's been a while, hasn't it, my sisters? As i sit here, munching Christmas cookies and reflecting upon the past year, I've come to the conclusion that it's been a long, strange trip indeed. I finally got my hormone situation straightened out and I'm taking 4mg estradiol orally (sublingual) daily. My nipples HURT. Supersensitive. But they do seem to be growing, albeit slowly. My tushy is the best part: it's filling out and I actually have a curvy bottom. Nice. Looks great in tight jeans. The drawback is, of course, lowered erectile function. Nothing new there. Thank the Goddess for Viagra, otherwise I'd be a very frustrated T-girl, certainment. I also have a prescription for Propecia but that stuff is EXPENSIVE. Hmm, oh well: it can wait until my insurance at my new job kicks in. Oh, the new job! Nice place to work. I can't reveal the where and who, of course, as security is always an issue, n'cest ce pas? But take it from me, even a minimum wage job is better than unemployment. And there are some very cool perks and bennies involved that I'm enjoying tremendously. And the crew is a nice bunch, albeit somewhat...unusual, to be sure. I wanted to go 24-7 by the end of this year, but talking it over with my counselor and doctor has convinced me that androgeny for the next two or three years is an equally valid proposition. By that time, my tits ought to be somewhat developed and my other secondary femme characteristics should be rather...obvious. Ya think? I bloody well hope so! In mid-summer, I participated in the World's Longest Drag Queen Chorus Line here in Puddletown and had a fabulous time. It was sponsored by SYMRC, the Sexual Minority Youth Resource Center. I was so impressed by the grace, poise, courtesy and general classiness of the kids and advisors involved, that I volunteered. (Gasp!) Yes, sisters, I actually got off my newly rounded rear end and DID something to make this Earth of Hours a better place to live. A weekend of training helped a bit to prepare me and now I find myself a mentor and counselor to a huge tribe of gay, lesbian, trans and queer children (most of whom are either homeless or foster children because of their sexual status) and quite frankly, it's the best thing I've ever done with my life. I cannot begin to describe the joy and satisfaction it gives me to go to this cool, funky warehouse-like space here in Southeast Portland and talk to a really sweet bunch of kids and listen to their problems and advise them. I must tell you, it breaks my heart to see these wonderful children marginalized and abandoned through no fault of their own. Were it up to me, these kids would be the leaders of tomorrow and, the Goddess willing, some of them will be. They are all, in a word, amazing. Smart, hip, cool, funky, oh, the list goes on and on. Many of them have emotional problems (just imagine my surprise) and I cannot begin to imagine why any parent would want to abuse and abandon such beautiful children. Grrr! Such an unforgivable waste of resources. I'd adopt them all if I could and I suppose I have, in a way. May I diffidently suggest to all who read this that you might do the same? Look around in your city, wherever you might reside, and see if there are similar programs, then make a few phone calls and do the necessary work to help people like this. It will do your heart and soul so much good. We were placed here on this good green Earth for a purpose, you know, and if helping someone isn't that reason, then I defy you all to propose a better reason. Children are the best resource we have and to waste any of them is sinfull and blackly evil. I can't say that I'm a crusader, not by any means, and I'm not normally a joiner, but this one feels just right. It's like coming home to a home I never had and I KNOW most, if not all of you had difficult childhoods. Won't you take a bit of time out of your busy schedules to make a difference? It's not hard. Mostly I just sit and listen to them and sometimes cook for them. It's only two nights a month and there are times I like I'd like to LIVE there, be the house mother and nurture those who so desperately need it. Well, I'll put my soapbox away, for now. My friends tell me I really need to curb my tendency to preach. Is that so? Can't imagine why. I want to thank all of you who have commented on this journal and my pics and profile. I appreciate your kind, sweet and thoughtfull comments. Blessings of the Goddess upon you all and may your New Year be full of joy and light and the memeory of a rose.Michelle
Happy Birthday to Me!
September 12th, 2007 8:05 pm MDT
Yes, happy birthday and it's been a pretty nice one so far. I've been in face for the last 48 hours (with one brief interlude to remove the lower half; shave and reapply), I've been experiencing day-to-day as a female and it's pretty low-key and wonderful, so far. Storm cloud on the horizon (with a rainbow behind it): I go back to work this weekend, which will curtail en femme activities significantly, at least for the next year. But: bills will get paid, fabric will be acquired and laser hair removal will occur. YES! Another thuderhead: my doctor prescribed only the injectable form of estradiol for me which necessitates me visiting her every day. Expensive. Impractical. Annoying.(Huh? I said. NOT what she initially told me, but her MA and service assure me that this is how they do it to ensure that the correct doses are administered, my health is monitored and the medication doesn't find its way into the wrong hands. So they said.) I'm thinking of finding another doctor.Friends and acquaintences are taking the news of the transition well. I'm not sure my band will. Nor will my music students nor my former colleagues. My ex-wife is bemused. I don't believe she thinks I intend to go through with it.But there is so much support here in my life right now (two counselors, friends, sisters) that I feel very fortunate. For those of you here that have posted such nice comments to me: thank you, thank you, thank you. I know it won't always be this easy and this delightful, but I'm sure enjoying myself right now. May the Goddess bless you all.==========>Love, Michelle Diane RoseSeptember 12th, 2007 (Fifty-two years old today. Not bad, huh?)
The BIg Decision
August 31st, 2007 6:14 pm MDT
Hi, all: I finally made the Big One, ladies. Yes, after only fifty years or so, I finally decided to stop being two people and just be Michelle. I start homones next week. I realize that this is kinda old hat for most of the T-girls here. Some of you have already been on hormones for years. (Lucky...) But I fought it, oh yes I did. I denied it, you bet. I scurried around like a mouse when the light goes on in the kitchen: "No! No! I can't...!" YES, I CAN. And I will. I was scared before the decision and I'm even more scared now. In one year, I'm going full time. 24-7. One person and her name is Michelle Diane Rose. The guy I used to be will fade away, like a slo-mo Hollywood fade-out and I'll be left with his strength and ability and hopefully, not much else. I'll be leaving behind his anger. Really. Don't think so? Hmm, it's already happening. I'll be leaving behind his sadness. Yes, and picking up a few bits of grief for myself. I'll be leaving behind his frustration... Yes. I know. I'll be changing one set of unpleasantries for another, some of them even larger than before. I have no illusions about how hard this will be, ladies. I have no starry-eyed fantasies about how my life will be so much better when I transition. I know it will be hard, especially since I have no intention whatsoever to get the chop; SRS. Nope. Not for me. I identify as a lesbian transwoman and that there's my clit you're talkin' about, Doc. No, I know what I'm doing and why and where I'm going. And I know it's going to be a bumpy ride as Bettie Davis once said. And I may not even complete the journey before the Goddess gathers me home to Her bosom. But oh! How much better to have made the effort than never to have tried? How much better to admit the truth to myself and the world than to live in secrecy and increasing insanity? How much better to be who I am, the person I was born as, the woman I was supposed to be all along? Ever so much better, thank you very much. Michelle
