Rickie
Journal Entries for Rickie
Grandfather finds me crossdressed
May 6th, 2006 9:37 pm MST
It is 1946 or 1947, to the best I can estimate. I am 12 or 13 years old, and I have this special attraction to women's shoes and stockings, and underthings. Of course I am attracted by girls, but these other parts are overriding issues. I am living with my grandparents and my grandmother, Nona, was an excellent dresser, has always worn very nice shoes and had a good looking figure. She was naturally slim and athletic and has that knack for always looking good. In those days, that meant wearing girdles and padded bras. And your guess was right, I couldn't stay out of her underwear drawers! That, and the fact that my best friend had two sisters, who were among the best looking females in our school, kept me right on a sexual edge all of the time that I was awake. It was wrong of me to have stolen a pair of one of the sister's "Bass Weejun" penny loafers, but fears of humiliation or punishment were not the highest things on my "list". I just had to be close to those beautiful shoes! There was a really powerful underlying need to cause me to steal them. I didn't have a clue as to what was going on inside of me, but I had to do it. Well, in the moments when I could be alone in our house, which usually was every afternoon from about 3:30 to 5:00PM, I got to play with my toys! It wasn't long before I began to wonder what the heck was that dribble stuff coming out of my penis, as I was wearing my grandmother's panty girdle and Pam's penny loafers, and walking around pretending to be like a girl... the best I could, anyway. It wasn't long before I could make that "fluid" happen, and it felt oh so good when it came out. I could make it feel especially good by lying on the floor and moving my hips to grind my pelvic area on the rug. Later I figured how to tie ropes around my crotch and legs to increase the tension and so that there would be a constant rubbing on my penis as I sat, or walked or ...nearly any activity. So I was able to "get off" nearly every afternoon, except on weekends when my grandparents stayed home. I was really glad when Monday came around! So here I am, just an uninformed kid, not having any understanding or knowledge even of the notion of masturbation, or erections... or that such a thing as intercourse existed. I had seen the word "fuck" written under bridges... but I had no idea of what it meant. I actually believed in the "virgin birth" but didn't know what that meant, either. And here I am having an orgasm nearly every day. What do they say about ignorance being bliss? Well it wasn't exactly bliss, as I felt secretly ashamed of what I was doing. In my heart I knew it wasn't right. I had been brought up as a Catholic... which compounded the problem. Little by little, I was able to enhance what I was doing, with more elaborate use of ropes... bondage was definitely a turn-on, and also collecting other bits of female clothing. It seemed easy to "pick things up" here and there. And you know that was also part of the thrill. There is an additional rush from fondling and playing with things you have gotten from stealing ... the rethinking of the original happenstance is still stimulating. So there I was, dressed as a female, but not wanting anyone to see me like that; wearing women's underwear, wearing "girl's" shoes, and all(self)tied up. And all of this was done without any outside knowledge of what the hell was going on! I believed it was all wrong, but the rush was so good that I was going to find a way to do it no matter what, and just as often as I could. A Crisis: As I implied, this process continued to elaborate and I was now moving my activity from a dim corner of the basement to the upstairs living area of our house. That added to the thrill and guilt, and provided an even higher rush. One day as I was wearing Nona's nylons -seamed, of course, as that was the only kind in those days, and her panty girdle with garters, together with my friend's sister's penny loafers and bobby socks carefully and neatly folded down around my ankles, and I had tied myself to the toilet ( I told you this was getting more complex...) and was in the midst of getting erect and excited, I heard the front door open. Oh, oh! This was not supposed to happen! There were loud deliberate footsteps heading right for where I was... and my Grandfather burst through he bathroom door! There I was, tied tightly, in a sitting position on the toilet, and dressed like that! He was shocked, and temporarily stalled.... I was mortified and ashamed to the core, and could not have imagined anything worse ever happening.... But I could not do anything about it for my ankles were tied together and to the base of the toilet, my knees were tied together, I had shoelaces tied around my penis and balls, I was wearing Nona's best leather belt, and one of her bras, and I had self tied my wrists as best I could. Oh, what a humiliation. All I could do was to stare at the floor and wait for whatever was going to happen. I could not even look into my Grandfather's face. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, and Grandfather regained "some" composure, and he briefly uttered "Get this all cleaned up and put away. I don't want your Grandmother to see you like this." And he walked out and closed the door. Nothing more was ever, ever, said about the incident. Epilog: Driven by my hormones which were excitedly crowding out nearly everything else in my bloodstream, I simply got better at hiding what I was doing and continued to cross dress, to let bondage turn up my thermostat, and never looked back. The incident did not deter my pleasures nor has not inhibited my excitement and satisfactions in any way. It is now fifty-five years later, and I still find the same thrill that I had originally discovered ... except that it is now 5inch patent high heels, leather clothing, handcuffs, whips, and bondage ... and I don't much care who is wearing the attractive female clothing, my female partner or myself. And I have found wonderfully great pleasures as a male dominant to females, except that my thrill is multiplied, as I play that scene crossdressed as a domme.
Short synopsis - My life
April 11th, 2006 6:56 am MST
Here are some details of my life. ... you ought to know a little more about who I am. . In my life: Once I was a musician, during high school and college years. I was only "just adequate", but able to work and pay my own expenses during that period of time. After college I became a mechanical engineer and designer for several years until I entered management positions. I was even a vice president of a quite large company forseveral years, but that career vector was cut short by an auto accident. After the auto accident, I had a difficult time remembering my educational background, and had to start business all over again, this time as a mechanical technician. I progressed as I began to remember my schooling and eventually became a manager again - many years later. Before the accident, I lived in a suburb of Los Angeles California , just 300M from the beach of the Pacific ocean. It was a little bit of heaven, there. I was married, owned a home, brought up a daughter, divorced, then became a free and wild(?) bachelor. I had a good bit of money and pursued activities of dating, skiing, and driving desert dune buggies. I did enjoy building cars very much, and eventually went into business rebuilding VW engines and building desert racing engines for a short time. In my late forties, I retired, having been a good saver and investor in property. After a few years of relaxing and having a good time, I began a new career, in computers. Because of the accident, I was not as bright as I once was, however I did not clearly understand that - I really thought I was very intelligent, but that was only an idea in my own head - I truly had some limitations as a result of the accident. I have been an average performer in the computer network engineering business for several years, and have finally recently retired again. I like being retired, very much! Everyone asks how I find enough things to keep me occupied, but I am busy nearly all of the time. There is emailing, having meals and coffees with friends, going to meetings of some groups I belong to. I build computers for friends and attend to their problems. I love to watch television, having mucho channels to choose from - most are not very good however, but there is a lot to enjoy. And there was a lot of time for me to do other things too. I spent 2 years in the Video business, starting off to help a friend and his wife make videos. I eventually became operations manager and also did all of the accounting. And when we were not shooting videos, I was a carpenter, electrician, lighting assistant, camera assistant, and editing technician. I did a little bit of everything in the production and distribution of videos. What kind of videos, you might ask? Wheee - Adult, porno. BDSM. And that's the truth! My friend’s wife had been a Porno video star for several years. She had won many awards and was a regular at the Cannes Film Festival! Beautiful and very sexual, she had a lot to sell in the entertainment industry! Our company’s videos were basic porn, XXXX rated, and included a lot of SM and bondage. I would never have chosen that as a field of endeavor, but it just happened that way. I always had the opportunity to walk away from it - but I stayed. It was stimulating and very exciting, even though as a business, it was very difficult work - the business end of things, I mean. I was not one of the actors - tho it may have been a lot of delights! This is fairly important: My whole life, I had always been interested in the SM and Bondage aspects of sensual behavior, and the video opportunity really opened my eyes to what I found to be a wonderful, delightful and beautiful aspect of life. Since that time, that part of me, BDSM, has emerged and has become a functional part of my sensual life. I am so attracted by the notions of a female body, secured by ropes or chains, touched and massaged and teased and loved into very high levels of sexual pleasure. I love that so much that it is something that I have to make very clear to anyone I would be close to. In personal relations, I am a gentle and soft person. I would never impose my will on anyone, trying to entice them into doing anything they did not want to do. In the general sense, if it is not pleasure for both of us, we simply would not do it. The sensuality of BDSM seems to be an essential part of who I am, and it would be wrong for me to think of a romance with one who did not also find these notions to be exciting. Love, Richard
A wonderful night...
February 23rd, 2006 8:20 am MST
Here is a tale of a wonderful SM experience in my life. It was several Decembers ago. I have changed the names to protect the each of the non-innocents. My dear Jenna, who I know would love to read this, was a very, Very, VERY attractive black woman and was gifted with the body of a fashion model. Good fortune, as good as it gets, would have it that she and I found an attraction to each other. We met at a giant Los Angeles BSDM party put on by the Threshold club. The moment I first saw her, I could not take my eyes away, even though she was with her master of the evening. She was the picture of what I had always wanted. Sensual, lithe, shapely, and with body movements that left my sensory system defenseless. I eventually was able to make an approach to her and she was very receptive to my attentions. Then, as I have done so many, many, times, I handed her my phone number card with those empty and hopeless feelings of “if only she will call”. Several weeks later, she called. She actually did! In our conversation, the warm and mutual feelings quickly returned and we set up a date for the next SM party. On our big “date day”, as I organized my BDSM equipment to play our scenes that evening, and as I dressed for the party, I was on a sexual high for the whole of that afternoon. As evening came and I waited for her to arrive at my house, my feelings continued at a very powerful and exciting, and deeply primal level. I was “so ready!” Oh, thank God for the notions of SM! Finally she arrived, and unexpectedly together with her close and long time girlfriend, Lynne. “Died and gone to heaven” is how it is phrased. I couldn’t believe what I saw. Both were dressed in full length black leather coats and black knee high high heeled boots. What a stunning visual that was! I still reel at the thought! (Blown away is how it is usually said!) Imagine, two of them! Jenna is five feet seven inches tall and Lynne was several inches taller. At this point, I was almost overwhelmed, for the sight of two women, encased in black leather, in high heeled boots, impossibly taller than me, ready to enter my home! It was a situation I only wish I were able to dream. It was truly difficult, but as well as possible, I struggled to put my act together to welcome them into my living room. Now, Lynne had a date planned for the evening but with some extra time beforehand. As we three talked, our conversation drifted to the party that Jenna and I were to attend. Lynne asked a lot of questions about SM and Bondage - and what were we thought we were going to do there. I told my Top side and Jenna described the bottom part. I could see that Lynne was a good deal more than “just a little interested”. She knew about Jenna’s BDSM interests, but this was the closest she had ever been to a real situation.( So she said …???) I made a suggestion that she might just “see” what it felt like. Wow, Lynne was instantly ready to test the “feel” of handcuffs - just to see what it was all about, of course. In a very short time we had cuffed Lynne’s wrists behind her back and had chained her ankles together. We were all laughing and joking and this was a good time for us. This was her first “for real” bondage experience and she was just ecstatic... never had a similar experience before.... (Again, my question???) She did volunteer, the next day, that she never had felt so hot without actually making love! I think a little of the feeling (Probably a lot of it!) was because Jenna was involved in the action. (I know it certainly would have been that way for me!) Lynne’s dinner date time came close, and so we “had to” remove her cuffs and chains. She eventually went off to her date for the evening. So Jenna and I then went to our own business of getting ready to go the party and set off on our way to Van Nuys. (In the car, handcuffs on, is the rule. She understood so easily, what a delight!.) When we arrived at the party, since we had "kind of" warmed up earlier, we were definitely ready to play right away. Jenna stripped all the way down to her high heels and panties and I began to tie her up. The new bright white nylon ropes that I wound and tied on her naked dark body were so very beautiful, laced and wound artfully, precisely located as to apply just the right pressure to her breasts and to her pubic area. (…kind of like with super crotch tight jeans, but more specific and a lot more sensual!) Her arms were bound above her elbows, and at her wrists, then cinched by bindings around her body located just above her elbows and just below her breasts. [Dear Reader, hold your wrists together behind you and move your elbows as close together as you are able. Just imagine that you were tied that way and cannot get free. Be aware of your arched posture and your extreme vulnerability... feel the feelings and enjoy the tensions.] The bondage style is Shibari, a traditional Japanese method in which the bindings are not only functional but also quite artistically arranged. It is definitely wonderful and satisfying, particularly if there is a mirror available for the female to enjoy her own contribution to the piece of artwork. Additionally, it is highly sexual in that the pubic area is bound tightly to cause a good deal of friction in the clitoral area. Back to Jenna. We then made our rounds of the party, meeting and chatting with nearly everyone. She looked incredibly beautiful, wearing only her carefully arranged ropes and her 4” heels. The contrast of dark skin and white ropes was gorgeous. We had a good time chatting with our friends, happily receiving compliments on the ensemble of her own natural beauty with my complimentary rope accents. A little later, I tied Jenna to a wonderful slanted column. This apparatus was on a stage. The slanted column was made specifically for bondage, of varnished wood and tilted about twenty degrees from vertical. It was rectangular in section tapering from six inches wide at the bottom to about 3 inches at the top. There were rings and holes for attach points in many places. I tied her wrists near the top of the column leaving her legs and ankles free. I wound many loops of ropes about her waist in a corset style, firmly securing her body to the column. I then located specific strands of rope, Shibari style, to apply pressure to her pubic area. We could not let that aspect go unattended. Her waist bindings cinched her waist tightly and held whole upper body very tightly to the column - deeply arching the small of her back and causing her bottom to protrude strongly in all of its beauty. The whole design of the bondage was directed to accentuating the lovely curves of her oh-so-very female body. The combination of these bindings on her waist and the ropes through her crotch forced her back to be involuntarily arched and her rear to be raised and ready, “ready-or-not”. We were "extremely" ready by now, and I began to gently flog her buttocks and her upper thighs with occasional sharp strokes to cause unexpected and involuntary reactions. Each bodily reaction strained visibly against the nearly immovable corset of ropes. Pausing from time to time, I broke rhythm and lovingly caressed all of the parts of her body, particularly kissing the sides of her neck and face... Jenna was struggling so hard to reciprocate, but of course, she was tied - bound securely and restricted from being able to do so. And her breasts and nipples on each side of the column were my most wonderful and satisfying playthings. How the tender bites of my teeth on her nipples caused incredible physical straining and the most sensual reactions in her nearly immovable body! And all of the observers could see that she was truly over-run with the energies of desire ... wanting more and not wanting more ... not sure, but oh, so sure, and in that wonderful world of space and pleasure, that submissive space where few have the opportunity to venture. A great many people had been watching and it was clear to me that they would have done anything if they could have been participants in our scene. Afterwards, we received many generous compliments for our “performance”. Now, I understand one of the benefits/gifts of the “acting” profession … when you have become so completely involved in your performance you have forgotten that it is happening in a theater, and you have been 100% enveloped in the moment. It is an unquestionable high. Later in the night, after the party, and after arriving at my home and winding down, Jenna and I slept so wonderfully ... her hands gently tied behind her back and with her ankles chained and locked. I held her softly and closely all night long…. Our physical interactions were just incredible, … the most satisfying and gratifying … and the best I have ever known.
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