URNotAlone

why I like Seattle

As I prepare for my return flight to Alaska I'm filled with satisfaction with my recent trip to the big city and wonder at the new horizons ahead of me.  Not the horizons that will soon appear out the flight window, but those of my coming years of increasing self awareness.   I'm about to embark on a new trip into myself that feels profoundly different than any I've seen.  This is partly due to a few great therapy sessions with a competent counselor, and some time with good friends.

First the fun part.  Last night I had a fantastic time dancing on Capital Hill with girlfriends.  We met at Neighbours at 11 and danced for an hour, then went out to the Satellite bar afterwards.  Although it's a sit-down bar I was able to get my hips moving near the juke box and soon the entire bar was dancing with me.  It just took off like a crazy, fun energy.  I love to dance, I dance well, and others recognize this and are attracted to my sincerity of movement.  It's really that simple I'm sure.  I dance genuinely and it releases a feminine spirit that makes me shine.  And since I'm not looking to pick up anyone, it must be a refreshing change for any cute girl hammered by the meat market of the bar scene.   I'm discovering that as I grow into my transgendered spirit I'm amazed at its power.  Already I feel it surging ahead of me.  This is what I mean by wonder and excitement for the future.

My wife has been more accepting of Jackie on this trip.  Our session with the therapist must have cemented some of the feelings she was already having about both the risk and the pleasure of accepting a transgendered husband and although she hasn't worked it all out I can see some openings for cooperation and enjoyment that I hope to widen. It will preserve our marriage to do so and help me fall more deeply in love with her.   I need this journey more than any other, and I'd love to make it with her at my side.  It's quite a balancing act.  I'm filled with as many questions as she is:  where will this take me, who will I be in a few years, how will our marriage survive if the changes become substantial?  It's scary.  My fears are legitimate as I've seen others move onto hormones and away from their wives and families.  Yet my fears are just my fears and I can't let them rule me.  Behind every one is an opportunity for a glimpse at bliss. 

I fear the power of my transgendered spirit will exceed my ability to hide it, like the Jeanie let out of the bottle who never wants to return.  Yet my therapist said it well when she stated the goal is to align the external self with the internal spirit, to bring together the schism that my life has been between the male and female that prevail at different times.  But with my evolving awareness and attention, and the help of a good coach, I might be able to allow each to grow.  I have to trust my instincts that now tell me to enjoy the best of masculinity and femininity and to keep both in my life.  I want to keep that inner smile that shows me I am different, I am transgendered, and I'm OK.  Instead of choosing one river channel over another as they diverge around an island, I choose the island because I wish to dapple my feet in each channel.